venting. or so they tell me

There is a tide in the affairs of men.
Which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune;
Omitted, all the voyage of their life
Is bound in shallows and in miseries.
On such a full sea are we now afloat,
And we must take the current when it serves,
Or lose our ventures.

now i am generally NOT prone to quoting from Shakespearean work, but i feel that this post calls for it.
i know that as far as my first blog goes, this ones way tooooo depressing but what the heck?
have misery, shall vent, right?
so here goes.
over the past couple of weeks or even a month, life as i know it has drastically altered. Turns out that the little cocoon that i was comfortably enclosed in, finally ruptured and i was faced with what normal people deal with on a regular basis- life.
and before you groan and begin to exit this page lemme tell you that its not just another teen story.
or maybe it is. frankly it doesnt matter anymore.
Coz thats what changed.
when forced to finally open my eyes and get out of the comfortably numb feeling i was more than accustomed to, i recoiled.
what really sucks is how you wake up one day and you don't even recognize who you are anymore.
you become so accustomed to thinking like a particular person, reacting in a particular way, doing certain things. but somewhere along the way you change.
the change is subtle at first, not negative either and you go with it. don't let it bother you too much.
then comes the phase where whatever you do, gets passed off as 'i am only doing it once' and even before you know it, your doing it again and again and all over again.
your stuck in the same rut that you thought you would never be in. Ever. Delusions of infallibility? i think so.
and then, when you can no longer identify with the new persona that you have unwittingly acquired, you suddenly realize how bad things have gotten.
then come all those inappropriate questions and thoughts.
"when did this happen?"
"i haven't changed that much have I?"
"its ok to be a lil different isn't it?"
"why is there so much pressure?"
"they don't really know me that well"
and you get the drift.
and then there's the disbelief, the denial and the shock. the feeling of 'everything being ok' and the misconception of normality finally but irrevocably wearing off.
and what are you left with at the end of all this?
a clean slate? a completely new person with no personality to speak of? no way of discerning right from wrong? acceptable from unacceptable?
a lot of people would say that this is way more than what a lot of people get, but imagine being reborn into a world that you obviously remember and were a part of but no longer are.
having crystal clear memories of what used to be but being unable to create new ones.
imagine learning how to talk, walk, eat, stand all over again.
things that you took for granted, no longer come that easily to you.
and you have to learn and adapt and while you do that, the memory of who you were and what you could do is nothing but that. a memory that taunts you.

i am sorta in that phase right now.
lost and with no beacon of light leading the way. and to be brutally honest, its my fault i got here.
so do me a favour and avoid the worst thing that you could ever do-
take yourself for granted.

p.s. to all those who might not 'get' this post, i'll write a saner one soon.